You are all really mean people.
The worst.

It's been days yet I still feel like shit.
That date was 9/11. 11/9. Hee.
What a symbolic date eh?
Haha, my attempts
at making the situation feel
light and humourous
seems so transparent to me.
Or is it only me? Are people really that thick,
thinking I'm okay with everything?
Yea, I might say I'm fine. You trust me?
That's nice. Trust is common between friends, no?

Friends care, no? Or am I wrong?
I often feel like I'm the least cared.
Oh yea, Hazrina? She's great for comic relief.
For humor. Is that all I'm ever good at?
Seems so.

What possessed me
to sit by the window?
The air-con was overhead.
My meal faced the risk of turning cold.
Unappetizing. And I was quite
bloody famished so the thought irked me so.
I'll be frank
- I had a hunch that I would see you all.
I didn't want to. It would hurt, I know.
But with a sort of sick perversion,
I sat there.
I could move away.
I didn't.

It hurt when I saw you all.
Brother noticed the pause
but he remained silent.
More like he continued
to rattle on about how
fried rice should
be made the staple food in Singapore.
Jokes? Em. Yes.
I could recognize the attempt.
I made some myself
to disarm dangerous moments.
I smiled. Nodded.
But my eyes were transfixed.
On you. All of you.
Yes, you all looked
like you were having fun?
I thought my eyes deceived me
but I could swear on my life
(pathetic, worthless thing it may be)
that that very group of girls were you all.

I half wished my eyes were wrong.
That my lenses were maybe too old for me.
Hee hee. Illogical, no?
But wishes usually are.
You lot trooped into the lrt.
Stood by the pole.
The one on the left, near the lift.
Amazing how I could remember.

I also remembered wishing.
Hoping. Willing. Wanting. NEEDING.
Something awful to happen.
A mishap of sorts in their merry outing.
Just so I could say...

"Glad I didn't go!"

Horrid, aren't I?
The worst kind of the outcast.
I'm no better
than those I deemed worst.
Wishing ill on others
to console oneself.
I make myself ill.
In fact, my chest feels rather tight.
As if an invisible hand is clutching my chest.

Breathe in. Out. Breathe in. Out.
Much better.

I felt bad. Really bad.
Like I was a very naughty girl.
I'm naughty now in fact.
Typing my innermost thoughts here.
Being brave here. As if it would help.
It wouldn't. I know.
They won't come here.
First, they wouldn't know how to.
Next. They wouldn't care.
It is my sanctuary. And my prison.

Do you all know
what a joker's nightmare is?
To have his audience not laugh.
So the joker jokes. It is what he is suppose to do.
He even cracks jokes at the cost of himself.
After all, what worth is a joker
who cannot make others laugh?

So laugh everyone! Rejoice!
Be merry!
Smile! Show those teeth!
Bare them with pride!
That's right... Smile! Grin! Smirk!
It's all the same!
Do it with good cheer now...
How about you add a dash of malice?

PERFECT.