Mood: Crushed
Listening to: Float On - Modest Mouse


It's now 5:03AM and I haven't slept in the last 23 hours.


I do feel a litte tired but that's just from all the crying earlier. And god, my contacts sure sting. I'll go get my glasses repaired soon. It just feels more comfortable since I'm already used to it.


I'm not a person who had much of a need for things to myself. It's not that I deprive myself but I'm just the sort of person who goes "Oh well." and continue on my way. I don't care much. But then I started to think that "I want it. I want this." and this scares me. I can't remember wanting something this bad. Being with the one I like makes me so happy that I can't stand it. But I can't help thinking that I'm the only one who thinks this way; that our happiness together won't last.The more I fall for you, the more I think I'm the only one who really wants this relationship. Was I a substitute? Was I wrong to think that you might have actually cared for me?


And then the happiness that I felt started to get accompanied by this painful feeling. At first, it was easy to ignore it coz I thought I could accept the fact that it was inevitable our relationship would end someday. I mean, it was doomed right from the start haha. But today seemed to have proved me wrong. I didn't accept it graciously like I thought I could. I was just so afraid of the pain that-


You know what happened anyways. I'm not even sure if you'll be reading this. I just wanna say thank you, for everything. I kept apologising and though you said it was okay - that it wasn't my fault - it's not. I was prepared for it to end but I forgot about how you would feel. In a way, I was actually... afraid. That you'll feel nothing at all. Was I wrong to have hoped that way? I didn't want you hurt. If I knew, I would have...


Just so you know, I don't hate you. It would have been easier on me if I did. But I can't. It took me a long while but I can finally give you the answer to the question you've once asked me. I do like you. But if my emotions are a bother for you, I'll get rid of it. I like you enough for me to help you be happy at the expense of myself. But that doesn't matter now right. In fact, you shouldn't care about me at all now. You should go back to waiting and I should go back to nothing. It'd was going to be like this sooner or later anyways.


If you're wondering, I don't regret that second chance. But this time, it seems different. A bit more hurting. The kid has finally gotten attached to the new toy, only to have it taken away. I'm just wondering how much longer will the pain go on and how much more do I have to cry till it goes away.


I promised you I wouldn't cry but I keep breaking that promise. I'm sorry.