Mood: Awake
Listening to: When It Rains - Paramore

Have you ever thought if you mean anything to anyone?

Like, if you were to run into traffic on pupose and got knocked down and died, how would people react? Would they mourn for you? Would you have visitors by your hospital bedside or would you be alone all the way up to your last, gasping breath? Would anyone even give a rat's ass about you?

Don't worry guys, I'm not gonna 'run into traffic on purpose' or anything lol. I was just musing to myself. I am pretty much aware it is a disturbing thought to have at 3 in the morning.

So anyways, now I'm slacking around and randomly missing people. How are you guys?

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Bukit Merah Library

Hoo. This is the first time I've ever used Mitchy on my break time. I have another 25 minutes of my break and already I'm blank on what to do.

I think I'm going through some sorta phase now. I don't have the mood, motivation or interest to do things anymore. I've skipped school like a gajillion times already thanks to this funk I'm in. I'll be on my way to school and then I'd suddenly decide that I can't take going to class and instead, loiter around the school's vicinity. This kind of attitude is gonna get me into some real deep shit, considering my first exam paper is this coming Friday.

In fact, I'm wondering if nursing was even the proper choice for me. Looking at what I've become now, I can't imagine myself being some self-sacrificing nurse for the public. I feel unworthy of this occupation. Then again, it's not like I have another passion. Changing courses would be meaningless without it.

I can't even be bothered to get worked up over my current relationship problem. If you can call it a relationship even. I'm so tired of getting angry and upset. It's like I've turned all immune to these feelings. I suppose they were right about the saying: Third time's the charm. I honestly can bring myself to care about you after this Wednesday. All the 'I love you's in the world can't do jackshit now. And to think I would have done anything to hear you say that last time. It's not just my social life, my bonds with my family has also worn me out. It's been almost a month since dad last talked to me; his last words being, "You'll be my ticket to hell. I'm sure.".

It's time I start thinking about myself.

If I can be bothered enough.

Mood: Cold
Listening to: Forgot my headphones so just hearing the tapping of my keypad..

I... I feel so exhausted now.

I've been skipping school again. Lately, life seems kinda meaningless now. I kinda feel like devoting myself to helping the needy children in Africa or something. So that I'll feel like I've done what's my life's worth of this time on Earth. Hmm.. Something seems wrong with that sentence but I can't figure out what. Pardon me, the airconditioning in Jurong Library is making my brain fizz.

My whole 18 years, I haven't really done anything that I believe is worth living for. All I've done is get into stupid shit with people. And there's a lot of stupid shitty, untrustworthy people in this world. Men especially. I mean, I know not all men are despicable scumbags but the majority of you lot are shitty.

It is here, that if alcohol is not forbidden for me, I would have taken a swing. In fact, I'm feeling a little drunk and disoriented already.

Where was I...? Oh yes, men being shitty, fickle-minded buttheads. You lot just grade a girl by her looks. OOOH bonus, if she can hold a conversation for longer than 20 seconds! What the hell please... How dare you treat people as something 'fun'. To be used and discarded as you wish. To help you pass the time and soothe your stupid piece of male rod. I hate men. And if it isn't a sexual matter, it's ego. Pride. Thinking that only you are right. Never trying to see things from another's point of view. How utterly selfish.

You might not wanna take this all to heart. I am just ranting now because majority of my problems are male-specific (I don't see my girls giving me problems.). Let's just say that I'm not really on favourable terms with the male species now.

Many a times I have felt that life is not really worth living and lacks meaning. Then I realised that I have to give meaning to life myself. So I start making a purpose, something I can work towards in life.

At first, I thought of making other people happy. But then it just feels unfair to myself, putting other's happiness before mine. Then I thought of bettering myself - visually and spirtually. But then again, I felt empty. There wasn't really a point of making myself prettier. Though people started looking more and talking more to me, it made me feel very sad that people look at only the exterior of an individual. As for spiritual enlightenment, I've pretty much strayed from the path of religion. God is merciful and forgiving but then again, I feel ashamed of myself. There should be no redemption for a filthy being like me.

I have no idea what to do pertaining to my future now. I'll just scrape by my exams for now. It's in another 2 weeks and I haven't done a lick of preparation. Yet, I am not worried because I do not put in much value to my education. I live for the day and I'm pretty much satisfied with this.

Alright. Enough of my drunkard babble. I will talk again properly soon. Hopefully.