Mood: Irritated
Location: Blk 81, Level 2 (school)

Well. I never thought I'd come here again but here I am. Then again, this has always been a repeated procedure for me. Leaving my blog and coming back I mean. I was thinking of opening a new blog but then, the birth date of that blog would have no significance. So for a petty reason such as that, I'm gonna continue writing here till my 20th birthday and THEN I'll open up a new blog.

Labels: irl, phail

Mood: Sore

I am updating likee I'm on crack. Which may or may not be a good thing. But I digress.

Yesterday, went out with Mirul. After a long time of not seeing each other, we had a lot to talk about but it wasn't about school or such. More like, we were on the topic of guys and girls. Wet talked about the do's and don'ts, what the other gender does that makes us tick, your partner and their exes, so on and so forth.

Let's just say, it's a refreshing change to hear different opinions, especially from a guy. For example:

(I can't remember the exact words but the content is more or less there.)

On the topic of sweet gestures you can do for your partner:

Me: So let's just say it's the guy's birthday then they plan to go to the movies. Promise to meet at 11, somewhere. But girl goes through all the trouble to wake up early, bake a cake and go to guy's house early - say 8am? - to surprise him. As a male yourself, want or not?

Mirul: I'll be all like "Wtf, aren't we meeting at 11? Oh shi- I was still rolling in bed.". It's not that appealing.

Me: But what?? The girl was probably trying to give him a pleasant surprise! D:

On the topic of "You're the only one for m- Oh. She looks hot.":

Me: Why is it that when girls fall in love, they can forget about their earlier crushes but guys with girlfriends still look at other girls and "appreciate" their hot bods?? Unfair much? D<

Mirul: When a guy makes a comment about a girl's body, he's not neccesarily making a comparison between you and her you know? Why the insecurity?

Me: That's not the point~! The point is that you're looking at other women when your girlfriend's right. There. Beside. You. Sure is a nice way to tell her you appreciate her being around. /sarcasm

Mirul: Still, why the insecurity??

________________

Let's just say there's still a lot more but I feel tired of blogging. People are open to debate with me about this topic on msn. (:

Mood: Lonely
Listening to: Look What You've Done - Jet

I have two bruises; one on each thigh. And it's funny how they're in a straight line. And my body aches a megaton.The funniest thing is that I have no idea how I got them. Ho hum.

Just spent an hour on my own. God, it was tougher initially; I'm too used to company. But I rather tolerate the hunger (Plus, I have no cash anyways. And I lost my ez-link. OTL) than go have lunch alone. I HATE being alone. It's different here behind the optometry block, coz it's quite vacant. But in the canteens, you become all the more aware of how lonely you are when you see that other people are surrounded by company. Ah~ the insecurity.

But there's always other things to do - I got myself a new header image and now doing this post. I can't always depend on other people to alleviate my loneliness. It seems like I'm always latching myself to either Atiqah, Dear, or Mikun. Had to really hold back from sms-ing any 3 to ask where they were.

You're pathetic Haz.

Mood: Gloomy

Seems like people have this impression that I don't really give a damn about a lot of things. Well, contrary to popular belief, I do. I hate it when I'm compared to other people. I hate it when I'm left alone. I hate it when I feel that I've reached the extent of my capabilities and it's not enough. I hate it when I'm unhappy. Oh god, you must hate me so for being such an ungrateful being.

First post in a long while and I'm whining. Whazzup beetches?

Also, change of top banner is due. Wonder what picture should I used next....?

Mood: Awake
Listening to: When It Rains - Paramore

Have you ever thought if you mean anything to anyone?

Like, if you were to run into traffic on pupose and got knocked down and died, how would people react? Would they mourn for you? Would you have visitors by your hospital bedside or would you be alone all the way up to your last, gasping breath? Would anyone even give a rat's ass about you?

Don't worry guys, I'm not gonna 'run into traffic on purpose' or anything lol. I was just musing to myself. I am pretty much aware it is a disturbing thought to have at 3 in the morning.

So anyways, now I'm slacking around and randomly missing people. How are you guys?

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Bukit Merah Library

Hoo. This is the first time I've ever used Mitchy on my break time. I have another 25 minutes of my break and already I'm blank on what to do.

I think I'm going through some sorta phase now. I don't have the mood, motivation or interest to do things anymore. I've skipped school like a gajillion times already thanks to this funk I'm in. I'll be on my way to school and then I'd suddenly decide that I can't take going to class and instead, loiter around the school's vicinity. This kind of attitude is gonna get me into some real deep shit, considering my first exam paper is this coming Friday.

In fact, I'm wondering if nursing was even the proper choice for me. Looking at what I've become now, I can't imagine myself being some self-sacrificing nurse for the public. I feel unworthy of this occupation. Then again, it's not like I have another passion. Changing courses would be meaningless without it.

I can't even be bothered to get worked up over my current relationship problem. If you can call it a relationship even. I'm so tired of getting angry and upset. It's like I've turned all immune to these feelings. I suppose they were right about the saying: Third time's the charm. I honestly can bring myself to care about you after this Wednesday. All the 'I love you's in the world can't do jackshit now. And to think I would have done anything to hear you say that last time. It's not just my social life, my bonds with my family has also worn me out. It's been almost a month since dad last talked to me; his last words being, "You'll be my ticket to hell. I'm sure.".

It's time I start thinking about myself.

If I can be bothered enough.

Mood: Cold
Listening to: Forgot my headphones so just hearing the tapping of my keypad..

I... I feel so exhausted now.

I've been skipping school again. Lately, life seems kinda meaningless now. I kinda feel like devoting myself to helping the needy children in Africa or something. So that I'll feel like I've done what's my life's worth of this time on Earth. Hmm.. Something seems wrong with that sentence but I can't figure out what. Pardon me, the airconditioning in Jurong Library is making my brain fizz.

My whole 18 years, I haven't really done anything that I believe is worth living for. All I've done is get into stupid shit with people. And there's a lot of stupid shitty, untrustworthy people in this world. Men especially. I mean, I know not all men are despicable scumbags but the majority of you lot are shitty.

It is here, that if alcohol is not forbidden for me, I would have taken a swing. In fact, I'm feeling a little drunk and disoriented already.

Where was I...? Oh yes, men being shitty, fickle-minded buttheads. You lot just grade a girl by her looks. OOOH bonus, if she can hold a conversation for longer than 20 seconds! What the hell please... How dare you treat people as something 'fun'. To be used and discarded as you wish. To help you pass the time and soothe your stupid piece of male rod. I hate men. And if it isn't a sexual matter, it's ego. Pride. Thinking that only you are right. Never trying to see things from another's point of view. How utterly selfish.

You might not wanna take this all to heart. I am just ranting now because majority of my problems are male-specific (I don't see my girls giving me problems.). Let's just say that I'm not really on favourable terms with the male species now.

Many a times I have felt that life is not really worth living and lacks meaning. Then I realised that I have to give meaning to life myself. So I start making a purpose, something I can work towards in life.

At first, I thought of making other people happy. But then it just feels unfair to myself, putting other's happiness before mine. Then I thought of bettering myself - visually and spirtually. But then again, I felt empty. There wasn't really a point of making myself prettier. Though people started looking more and talking more to me, it made me feel very sad that people look at only the exterior of an individual. As for spiritual enlightenment, I've pretty much strayed from the path of religion. God is merciful and forgiving but then again, I feel ashamed of myself. There should be no redemption for a filthy being like me.

I have no idea what to do pertaining to my future now. I'll just scrape by my exams for now. It's in another 2 weeks and I haven't done a lick of preparation. Yet, I am not worried because I do not put in much value to my education. I live for the day and I'm pretty much satisfied with this.

Alright. Enough of my drunkard babble. I will talk again properly soon. Hopefully.

Mood: Lonely
Listening to: When It Rains - Paramore

Past few days, blogger was pretty screwed up. The text box was shifted and several keys were missing. A random check shows that it's okay now though. (:

A lot of things have happened this past few days. So one condensed post coming up!


.::~School~::.

So like Dawn’s younger sister has H1N1. So she got quarantined. And won't be coming to school till this Thursday. Which explains my mood now. ... Damn, I hate being alone. ):

Massive emo loner issues aside, my lfe has been thrown into a spiral of chaos again. Me and Dawn went to work on a project dued a week from now and we forgot all about the project dued last week. So that makes it 3 projects undone – CNP, CITS and PAS. Funny how group projects suddenly become pair work. To top it all off, I’m supposed to hand in my individual assignment last Thursday but since I MC-ed from school, that’s 5% gone. Oh, did I mentioned I didn't follow the given format? :)

*facepalm*

However, not everything in school has been sucky. Last week, our school celebrated Racial Harmony Day. Everyone was dressed up so prettily~! Me included! 8D

Some shameless camwhorage nice photos:

And that marked the end of Cultural Cosplay Day. XD

... I seem to be showing my teeth in smiles a lot. >__>


.::~Work~::.

... The only thing worth my time mentioning about work is just that my payday is tomorrow. ... And 5/6 of it is going into my PDA. OTL

... I know you all want me to hate him and to keep away from him. But... he's not like what you guys think. He's only human, with faults and weaknesses. I vaguely understand what he's going through now because I've been through something similar. So I want to there for him, to be of any use, to make things better... somehow. On the other hand, I don't want to hurt the other party which I am pretty sure I am already doing. Oh, why must I be made to choose?

My indecisiveness really takes the cake. :/