Mood:
Depressed
Listening to: Bust a Groove 2 OST - The Heat is On
Well, I didn't have school today so I slept in. Had the most WEIRDEST dream though. I dreamt that Ms Rashidah asked me how I was doing for the current exams while I was waiting for some friends by the e-fingerprint system.
... That
nightmare dream scared me shitless. Pure realistic.
Made me realise the seriousness of the prelims though... A bit too late for that I suppose. *bitter laugh*
PATHETIC EMOFAG RANT BELOW - HIGHLIGHT AT YOUR OWN RISKJust yesterday, one of the few horrifying things that could happen to any student happened to me: My calculator died at the start of the Maths exam.I felt so terrified and helpless; I kept jabbing at the reset button in despair. At last, I made it through the paper without one. It was so dispiriting that I almost gave up on the paper but I forced myself to do it. It was a half-hearted attempt though.As soon as the teacher collected the papers, I cried. There wasn't any dramatic wailing, banging of fists on tables or even uncontrollable sobbing; the tears just streamed down my cheeks quietly. I turned my head to look out of the class to avoid people looking (thank god for small favours like a window-seat).Didn't even felt like going down for recess because I knew that the paper would be what everyone would be talking about. And if I seemed depressed and told you all to can the talk about the paper, you guys would just assume that I didn't manage to do the paper due to lack of knowledge, not a calculator (cruel but sorry, it's trufax). So I just stayed in class. Xi Ying came over and asked me what's wrong. I told her (I even managed to laugh through my tears) and you know what she did?
She hugged me and encouraged me to try harder next time.
And I realised that what I wanted most then was a friend by my side. To pat me or give me a comforting hug and tell me that it's okay even when it's not. I know it's unreasonable of me - specially since everyone else was worrying about how they did for their own papers - but I couldn't help it. I needed someone then. Anyone.
I know that I act strong and confident in front of everyone. It's very believable (or so I'd like to think) and I believe it as well because I want to. But an act is an act; the play can't go on forever. But if my act stops, it makes people uncomfortable so I keep it up.
I'm tired. Very tired.
So, thank you Xi Ying, for being there. And Mirul too for putting up with my out-of-the-blue sms rants. :D
Labels: irl, school
