Mood: Calm
Listening to: Moan - Cute is What We Aim For

Qn: OMGOMG HAHA GUESS WHAT I'M DOING NOOOW???
Ans: Gossiping about boys with the whole Famiglia (particularly, one in Hazel's Aussie life) 8D

It feels so good to be able to catch up on each other's lives, I feel like I'm gonna cry. ... Actually, no. I'm too busy just laughing and smiling. It's been so long since I feel so... happy. And we aren't even having philosophical debates; we're just talking about boys and love and how some guys are trashtrashtrash and marriage and lame jokes and being nuns and NOT being good nuns and parents and hips and-

Well, we did a lot of catching up. (:

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Sometimes, I analyze myself and conclude that I need to grow up. I'm so childish and I lack real life goal and dreams. Currently, I've set a target for myself. I call it 'The Australian Dream"; I planned to get into a uni in Aussie and join Hazel there. Setting goals based on the spur of the moment and such has always worked for me but 'fess it, I'm not a kid anymore. I need to evaluate seriously every single consequence of my actions. I need to take initiative and start making my own decisions.

My whole life, I hated making decisions. I always know what I don't want to do but not what I want. It's like, I'm not even sure if I'll be happy with the decisions I made so why not let somebody else decide, and make that someone happy? As long as there's someone who's happy, I'll feel happy along with that person so all is well. Right?

Sometimes, I feel envious that other people feel happy and not me. Then I realised it's my decision and I try to convince myself that I'm okay. It's so much harder though.

I sometimes wonder if anyone ever got honestly irritated at my indecisiveness.

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I had a talk with my sister-in-law just now about guys and I realised that I probably missed out a whole lotta good guys in my life. And then I start wondering why don't I feel more concerned? I mean, I wish for all those girlish crap girls do: to be happily married, have children, have a loving husband who I don't mind slaving over cookbooks and preparing dinner for. So why do I not feel anxious that I may be left on the shelf?

In a way, I kind of think I don't deserve to be happy. Someone like me can never make anyone happy. So.. karma right? It's just deserving of me to not be happy then.

In a way, I'm no better than a piece of furniture. Let me be used. Let me please then. It'll make me feel that I'm worth something.

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OKAY GUYS. BIG QUESTION. MANE AND TAIL, OR LOREAL ELSEVE? THE FATE OF MY HAIR DEPENDS ON YOU GUYS.

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God. I'm one unstable mofo. All this was churned out in one go. o_o

Labels: famiglia, irl, musings