Mood: Calm
Listening to: Moan - Cute is What We Aim For

Qn: OMGOMG HAHA GUESS WHAT I'M DOING NOOOW???
Ans: Gossiping about boys with the whole Famiglia (particularly, one in Hazel's Aussie life) 8D

It feels so good to be able to catch up on each other's lives, I feel like I'm gonna cry. ... Actually, no. I'm too busy just laughing and smiling. It's been so long since I feel so... happy. And we aren't even having philosophical debates; we're just talking about boys and love and how some guys are trashtrashtrash and marriage and lame jokes and being nuns and NOT being good nuns and parents and hips and-

Well, we did a lot of catching up. (:

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Sometimes, I analyze myself and conclude that I need to grow up. I'm so childish and I lack real life goal and dreams. Currently, I've set a target for myself. I call it 'The Australian Dream"; I planned to get into a uni in Aussie and join Hazel there. Setting goals based on the spur of the moment and such has always worked for me but 'fess it, I'm not a kid anymore. I need to evaluate seriously every single consequence of my actions. I need to take initiative and start making my own decisions.

My whole life, I hated making decisions. I always know what I don't want to do but not what I want. It's like, I'm not even sure if I'll be happy with the decisions I made so why not let somebody else decide, and make that someone happy? As long as there's someone who's happy, I'll feel happy along with that person so all is well. Right?

Sometimes, I feel envious that other people feel happy and not me. Then I realised it's my decision and I try to convince myself that I'm okay. It's so much harder though.

I sometimes wonder if anyone ever got honestly irritated at my indecisiveness.

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I had a talk with my sister-in-law just now about guys and I realised that I probably missed out a whole lotta good guys in my life. And then I start wondering why don't I feel more concerned? I mean, I wish for all those girlish crap girls do: to be happily married, have children, have a loving husband who I don't mind slaving over cookbooks and preparing dinner for. So why do I not feel anxious that I may be left on the shelf?

In a way, I kind of think I don't deserve to be happy. Someone like me can never make anyone happy. So.. karma right? It's just deserving of me to not be happy then.

In a way, I'm no better than a piece of furniture. Let me be used. Let me please then. It'll make me feel that I'm worth something.

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OKAY GUYS. BIG QUESTION. MANE AND TAIL, OR LOREAL ELSEVE? THE FATE OF MY HAIR DEPENDS ON YOU GUYS.

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God. I'm one unstable mofo. All this was churned out in one go. o_o

Labels: famiglia, irl, musings

Mood: Loved
Listening to: Smooth Criminal - Alien Ant Farm

Today, Sarah sweetie actually dropped by my workplace just as I was finishing just so we could spend some time together.

I feel so utterly touched. Though I'm always up to stupid shit and worrying her, she has never once given up on me. She cares for me when I don't care about myself. My moral compass, my petite cherie. You mean so much to me. Really. Sometimes, I wonder what I've done to deserve such a friend like you.

We went to MacDonald after that because yours truly had a craving for dessert. I bought myself a McFlurry and a iced milo for Sarah. And would you believe that Sarah just totally dripped a good deal of the drink on herself as soon as she grabbed the cup? I couldn't stop laughing really. And then the cashier dude offered her tissues. Oh god, so nice of him. Sarah was gushing about his chivalry. (:

??: ! Ah, are you okay? *hands some tissues*
Me: *laughing a bit* Saraaaah~ Go wash it off before it sticks.
??: There's a sink over there - at the top of the stairs.
Sarah: OKAY. O: *skips up stairs*

So I was there, awkwardly handling my change, ice cream and milo all in one and the guy started talking to me.

??: So... name?
Me: Hmm? My friend?
??: *laughs* No, I mean you.
Me: EH ME? *insert Mihashi face* Uh uhm. Hazrina.
??: Haz... rina?
Me: Yeah.
??: *grins and shows his nametag: Hazli*
Me: That makes us two Hazs then! *grins back*

And then Sarah returned and as I was going to leave, he actually kinda leaned out of the counter and tried to continue the convo.

Hazli: Going home now?
Me: //HAHA NO DUH.// Yeah. Poor you, have to work.
Hazli: *smiles* It's okay really.
Me: Well, work hard! (:

Sarah kept teasing me afterwards haha. She said that I look different nowadays. Mahathir (our Brands supplier) said the same too. When he came to the store and noticed me, he seemed really distracted. Said I look all different without my glasses (I broke them OTL) and Evelyn had to call him twice to get his attention.

It makes me quite happy to know that I'm looking better (coz admit it dudes, I used to be all ugly duckling) but at the same time, it makes me feel sad. That people actually just looks at your exterior and not who you really are. Like me and Dawn like soooo didn't like Paul Twohill and when we saw him, we kinda made gagging faces. Until one day, she said, "What if he wasn't really like what he is on TV? Like that's just his media personality and he's a totally different, likeable person inside?". And that really got me thinking. The inside counts too.

I'm still trying to figure out my insides.

PS. SHANG'S BDAY CELEBRATION TMR. EXCITED DESU. AND AAAH I WANT TO GUSH ABOUT THE GUEST LIST BUT SARAH IS MAKING US SWEAR TO KEEP IT A SEKRIT. PLS REPLY BB.

Labels: friends, irl, musings